In a Patriarchal Society where men are Natural Leaders: Why Do Some Men Create Instability in Stable Relationships?
Updated: Aug 26
"And just like that... I found myself asking a question that no amount of beach therapy, ocean air, or seashell collecting could answer. Why is it that when a woman finally feels secure in who she is, the person who loves her sometimes becomes the least secure of all?"
You hear me talk about my relationship quite a bit.
Partly because writing has always been my therapy, and partly because, for the longest time, my Liven app has been the only place where I could vent without interruption.
Being in a May-December relationship has taught me many things.
Some wonderful.
Some incredibly frustrating.
Loving someone from a different generation isn't just about the age gap. It's about navigating completely different worlds. Popular culture. Technology. Social media. The way women present themselves today. The expectations placed on relationships. What one generation considers confidence, another might see as attention-seeking. What one sees as self-expression, another may interpret as disrespect.
Sometimes it feels like we're speaking two entirely different languages.
Last week was my birthday week.
I had four and a half days off from work.
Instead of celebrating together, Stephen and I were fighting.
Again.
Rather than spending my vacation arguing, I did something that has become my version of self-care.
I packed a suitcase.
Actually... I packed about ten swimsuits.
I rented a beach house.
Some people cope with stress by burying themselves in work. Others numb themselves with shopping, alcohol, or endless scrolling.
Apparently, I book vacations.
In fact, I think I've accidentally created my own form of therapy.
I call it...
"I'll Be Trippin'."
Whenever life overwhelms me, I go somewhere with water, fire, earth or wind.
The beach has become my reset button.
The beach house wasn't extravagant. It wasn't some celebrity mansion overlooking the Amalfi Coast.
It was peaceful.
Beautiful.
Exactly what my soul needed.
The entire week cost about a thousand dollars.
When I added everything up, I realized most of my favorite memories had been free.
Morning walks.
Sunrises.
Meeting other mermaids for an early morning polar plunge.
Breakfast overlooking the ocean.
Watching families compete in a sandcastle contest.
Long conversations with strangers who somehow didn't feel like strangers for very long.
A photographer friend even helped capture some incredible drone shots and candid beach photos that I'll treasure forever.
For once, I wasn't trying to escape my life.
I was simply remembering how to enjoy it.
By Thursday evening, I headed home because I had to work Friday.
Ironically, after one day back at work, I had another four-day weekend ahead of me.
I actually caught myself wondering...
"Should I just rent another beach house?"
Then I walked through my front door.
And reality greeted me.
Not with a hug.
Not with curiosity about my trip.
Not with, "Did you have a wonderful birthday?"
Instead...
Judgment.
Questions.
Comments about how I spend my money.
Comments about my time.
Comments about my photos.
Apparently, because I spent the week in swimsuits...
...at a beach...
...while staying in a beach house...
...I had somehow become immodest.
Here's the funny thing.
I don't post beach photos hoping strangers will validate me.
I post them because they're memories.
Because I felt beautiful.
Because I felt free.
Because after months of working, paying bills, and showing up for everyone else, I finally showed up for myself.
There seems to be this strange belief that when a woman enjoys her femininity, someone else must be the reason.
That couldn't be further from my truth.
I don't dress up for another man.
I don't buy beautiful swimsuits hoping someone in my comments notices.
I don't travel to make anyone jealous.
I do those things because they remind me that I'm alive.
Because I happen to like beautiful things.
Because beauty makes me happy.
Because I only get one life.
Somewhere along the way, my boyfriend convinced himself that these spontaneous decisions must mean I'm interested in someone else.
I couldn't help but laugh.
If only he understood.
If I were chasing attention, I wouldn't spend half my vacation reading on the beach, chatting with retirees over breakfast, or watching children build sandcastles.
I'm chasing peace.
There's a difference.
And perhaps that's the real question.
Why do some men feel threatened when a woman becomes more herself?
Maybe insecurity has very little to do with the woman standing in front of them.
Maybe it has everything to do with the story they're telling themselves.
If someone believes beauty always belongs to someone else...
they'll struggle to believe it can simply belong to the woman they already love.
If someone believes confidence means competition...
they'll mistake independence for distance.
If someone believes a woman's joy must have another source...
they'll overlook the possibility that she's simply learned to create happiness on her own.
The irony is this:
The things my boyfriend sometimes worries about are the very things that made him fall in love with me seven years ago.
My adventurous spirit.
My creativity.
My curiosity.
My spontaneity.
My love for life.
Those qualities haven't changed.
I've simply grown more comfortable expressing them.
Many people tell me I'm fascinating.
Creative.
Funny.
Beautiful.
Someone they'd love to spend time with.
Yet the opinion that matters most belongs to the man I've chosen.
I've never asked him to compete with my independence.
I've only asked him to celebrate it.
Because my femininity isn't a threat to our relationship.
It's part of who I am.
My confidence isn't an invitation to someone else.
It's the result of years spent becoming comfortable in my own skin.
My beauty isn't a promise to the world.
It's simply the wrapping paper.
The real gift has always been my heart, my loyalty, my imagination, my compassion, and my commitment.
Those are the parts of me that don't show up in a swimsuit photo.
So maybe the question isn't:
"Why would a man feel threatened by the femininity of a woman?"
Maybe the better question is:
Can two people continue choosing each other when one person's confidence begins to outgrow the other's fears?
I don't know the answer yet.
But I do know this.
The ocean has never asked me to be smaller.
The beach has never questioned my joy.
And every time I return from the water, I remember the woman I was before life convinced me to apologize for taking up space.
Maybe that's why I'll keep packing those swimsuits.
Not because I'm running away.
But because sometimes, the best way to come home to yourself is to leave for a little while.
If you get like me to the point of meeting some me time, let me know. I will hook you up with all my most exclusive travel, tips vacation deals, discounts for you, your family or group to have a real retreat.
Now to answer the question:
Why Do Some Men Create Instability in Stable Relationships?
What research does suggest is that some people men and women alike may unintentionally introduce conflict because of psychological, biological, and social factors. The reasons often differ from person to person.
Here are some of the most well-supported explanations:
1. Attachment style
One of the strongest predictors of relationship conflict is attachment style.
Someone with an anxious attachment may:
Worry their partner will leave.
Interpret independence as rejection.
Seek frequent reassurance.
Become suspicious when their partner enjoys time alone.
Someone with an avoidant attachment may:
Pull away when things become emotionally close.
Create emotional distance during periods of intimacy.
Feel uncomfortable with vulnerability.
These patterns are linked to early life experiences and can affect anyone regardless of gender.
2. Self-esteem and social comparison
Research suggests that people with lower self-esteem may be more likely to perceive threats where none exist.
For example, if one partner is:
Receiving compliments,
Traveling,
Building a business,
Posting confident photos,
Making new friends,
an insecure partner may interpret those activities as signs they'll eventually be replaced, even if the relationship is otherwise healthy.
3. Jealousy as a protective response
From an evolutionary psychology perspective, jealousy is thought to have evolved as a way to protect important relationships. However, when it becomes excessive or is based on inaccurate assumptions, it can damage trust instead of strengthening it.
Healthy jealousy might prompt a conversation. Chronic jealousy often leads to repeated accusations, monitoring, or conflict.
4. Stress and emotional regulation
Stress affects how people interpret events.
Financial concerns, work pressure, aging, health changes, or major life transitions can make someone more reactive. A neutral event like a solo weekend away may be viewed much more negatively when someone is already under stress.
5. Different expectations about independence
Couples sometimes have different ideas about what commitment looks like.
One partner may believe:
"A healthy relationship includes separate hobbies, solo travel, and independent friendships."
The other may believe:
"Partners should spend most of their free time together."
Neither expectation is inherently right or wrong, but conflict arises when those expectations aren't discussed or aligned.
6. Gender norms and cultural expectations
Many societies still teach men that they should be protectors or providers, while women are increasingly encouraged to pursue independence and self-expression.
When a woman becomes more confident, financially independent, or socially visible, some partners may struggle to adjust if they equate their role with being the primary source of validation or stability. This isn't universal, but it can happen.
Does "makeup conflict" happen?
Some couples develop a pattern where arguments are followed by intense emotional closeness or passionate reconciliation. Relationship researchers sometimes call this a conflict-reconciliation cycle.
For some people, the emotional intensity becomes reinforcing, even though it can be exhausting and harmful over time. This pattern isn't unique to men or women.
Bringing it back to my situation
From what I've described, my relationship includes:
My enjoyment of solo travel and creative projects.
My partner's concerns about what those activities might mean.
Different comfort levels with social media and public self-expression.
A recurring disagreement about independence versus reassurance.
Those differences don't necessarily indicate that one person is "creating instability" on purpose. They may reflect different beliefs about trust, security, and how committed partners "should" behave.
The most productive question often becomes not "Why does one partner create instability?" but rather "Can we understand each other's needs without assuming the worst about each other's intentions?"
If accusations are frequent or if one partner consistently feels they must shrink themselves to avoid conflict, it's worth addressing that pattern directly. Healthy relationships generally allow both people to maintain their individuality while also feeling secure and trusted.
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